It has been ten months since Mum passed away and a lot has changed. One major thing is I am now in therapy, therapy for ptsd and historic abuse……yes you read correctly.
When I read my first blog that I wrote after my Mum passed I don’t know who that person is anymore, yes I am talking about me. Even writing this is making me feel guilty on a huge level. You see, my Mum suffered with Narcissism (Multiple Personality Disorder).
Here in the UK people seem to use the word ‘narcissist’ and not truly know what it means. Life with a narcissist, especially if it’s your Mother, is a living hell. Obviously growing up it all seems so natural, purely because you see it as natural. As time goes on and you become an adult, you come to realise that it’s far from being natural.
I was 28 years old and I fell pregnant, my partner and myself were so happy, we couldn’t wait to become parents. My Mum, on the other hand, was not happy! Her first words to me were….’well you can get rid of it straight away’. The pregnancy caused so many fights between me and my Mum. A time that should have been so happy was turning out to be the saddest. At the same time I found out my partner began seeing his old girlfriend behind my back, so now I was on my own.
The time came for my scan, my Mum came with me. As the nurse opened the door for us to go in, I beckoned my Mum to come in to, which she did. As I was having the scan the nurse asked would I like to know the sex of my baby, of course I did, I was so excited. She told me, your baby is a girl. I was elated, a daughter, my own little girl. As we walked out of the hospital my Mum shouted at me….’you did that on purpose, you got me in there to hear what sex it was, hoping I would change my mind, you make me sick!’ I was mortified, the ride home was terrible, but all I could think of was my little girl growing healthy and well protected inside my belly.
As time went on in my pregnancy my Mum became more understanding, she started buying items for my baby, came with me to order my pram. She even made sure I was eating healthy. And when my little girl decided to arrive my Mum was there holding my hand as well as my older sister. As soon as I saw my baby girl I knew right then and there she was my life, my reason for breathing. Incidentally I might add she actually saved my life, just after having her I was having a check up and the Doctor found cancerous cells in my neck of my womb, which I had to have cut away. I went back six weeks later to be told they had grown back again. The Doctor said he was shocked at how quick they had grown back, he made a decision to cut completey around the cells and beyond them. It was at this time he said to me…..’you’ve a lot to thank your daughter for, it’s through her we’ve been able to find this and deal with it’.
Anyway, back on track. My daughter was now here, Shelby Patricia May. Patricia after my Mum (purely because I thought it would make things better) and May after my Nan, who I might add never met, but I also thought it would make my Mum happy. My favorite time became night time when I could just look at my baby fast asleep, knowing at 2am she would wake and I could feed her on my own, just the two of us bonding.
I was nervous bathing her when she was so small, but instead of teaching me she just basically took over, shouting at me that I was a useless Mother. When me, my sister and my Mum would go into town, my Mum would insist on pushing the pram all the time. So I bought myself a baby carrier to wear, when my Mum saw it she said it was pathetic and I was being an overprotective Mother. Every Christmas or birthday she was always determined to buy a better present than me, she was basically taking over my daughter. Everyday I would suffer some sort of verbal abuse about being a bad Mother, that I knew nothing, I was nothing, I’d never get a relationship because nobody would want me. I could go on and on….
Move on sixteen years, I now live in my own little house with Shelby. We moved out when Shelby was seven, I thought it would have made things better, it didn’t!
When my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, I remember her coming into my house, sitting down on the sofa and saying…..’oh well, looks like I’ve got cancer’. I was totally shook, what a way to come out with it. As it happens she was offered an experimental tablet which over the next couple of years dispersed the cancer and she was diagnosed clear of breast cancer, this was a good day. Over these years I could not figure out why my Mum was the way she was. I started to do some research and found Narcissism, I read blogs about people that suffer with it, how they think, how they act. They were exactly like my Mum. No emotion apart from negativity, hate, always trying to put people down, make themselves better than everyone. It was at this time I realised my whole life had been wrong, so many things entered my mind, I had finally found an answer, so I approached my Doctor and told her. She had never heard of Narcissism before, but she told me, as with any mental health issue, the person themselves that have to admit they need help, and there was no way my Mum was ever going to do this. So it was a case of living with the situation, my sister was always there for me and vice-versa.
Cut forward to now, my Mum has been dead for ten months, me and my sister are in therapy for ptsd and historic abuse, my daughter suffers from severe anxiety and depression. None of us have any friends. Not enough is explained and understood in this country about these terrible condition. Living with someone with this condition ruins your life, makes you feel like a nobody and there isn’t enough help out there for not only the people that are suffering from this condition but also the victims, yes we are victims of emotional abuse of the worse kind. It has taken me 47 years to finally come to terms with it and face fixing it.
I have thought of writing a book telling people what it’s like living with someone suffering from Narcissism, as there is far too much to say in a blog. Do you think it would be a good idea?